Palmy Narnia

There’s something uniquely exhilarating about traveling for work. It’s like being on a never-ending, low-budget reality show where the prize is another stack of paperwork and a semi-comfortable bed.

My latest episode brought me to Palmerston North, the charming heart of the Manawatū. And by charming, I mean the motel rooms have their own distinct personality—somewhere between retro chic and oh my gawd !

Where motel rooms boast mould like no other. It's a special kind of mould, really, the kind that seems to have its own personality. Nestled comfortably in the corners of the bathroom, it greets you like an old friend who overstays their welcome. The vibrant shades of green and black create a unique, almost artistic pattern on the tiles, adding an unintentional splash of character to the room. It’s the kind of feature that makes you wonder if you should charge it rent or call an exorcist. Nothing screams paranoia when you can feel the particles in every breath you take like a nightmare-ish police song.

Upon arriving at my chosen establishment, I was greeted by a front desk clerk who reminded me of Lurch from The Addams Family, exuding about as much enthusiasm for being there as an emo at a Wiggles concert. After an exchange of pleasantries and what felt like an in-depth interview about my life choices (I just wanted my room key, thanks), I was handed an old-fashioned metal key attached to a plastic tag with the room number scratched out and rewritten several times. Nothing like a horror movie at all !

The room boasted a kitchenette, which is a fancy way of saying there was a microwave balanced precariously on a mini-fridge, and a kettle that looked like it might have been a contemporary of Captain Cook. I decided against testing the microwave's efficacy, recalling a previous adventure where my dinner had emerged more rubbery than intended.

The bathroom was another highlight. Compact and efficient, when i say efficient i mean its a closet, it featured a shower with water pressure that could either gently mist you like a tropical rainforest or blast you into the next room, depending on how you adjusted the ancient knobs, adjusting the temperature of course is an extra charge so its either ice cold or third degree burns that greet you.

A motel with facilities that promise relaxation and fitness, only to find a spa that's perpetually out of order and a gym that looks nothing like its pristine online photos—it's like witnessing a before-and-after photo shoot for a riot scene. The spa, instead of bubbling with soothing warmth, sits silent and empty like a forgotten relic, a sad empty plastic tub with a film of the last patron still glistening. As for the gym, what was supposed to be a state-of-the-art haven for fitness enthusiasts resembles a chaotic aftermath of misplaced weights, worn-out equipment, and a treadmill with the plug cut off and a rowing machine missing a seat..... good luck rowing without a seat. It's a stark reminder that not everything glitters as brightly in person as it does on a booking website.

Palmerston North is a fascinating place... Why is it even here? Who decided it was a good idea to create a town in the middle of nowhere and for what purpose? It's a place to go when you need a dose of gratitude for where you live, because no matter what, you could live in Palmerston North!

So! if your every feeling like you need a change or the place you live is feeling a little shit, pack up and book in to a Palmerston North motel room, home will never look so good !